Why do I keep walking around with a knot in my stomach? Why do I keep bursting in to tears sitting in traffic on my way to work?
Because, no matter how well we think everything is going, it could all change in a moment - I can't get away from the feeling that it has all been too easy so far - yes, Sarah was diagnosed quickly (within 1 month of the first x-ray-some kids wait years before doctors recognise whats wrong), yes, Sarah coped with her treatment really well, yes, the surgeon said he got the whole tumour out and the operation was a complete success, yes, the tumour had a good response and was more than 90% dead when it was removed, and yes, although I didn't think it would ever happen, she is starting to walk again - but the truth is, we will never be able to relax again. I can't look to the future - I can't let myself look too far ahead - I keep saying to myself what if.....and its just not bl**dy fair.Every time she says she has a headache I panic - If she's tired, I panic - if she gets sweaty at night, I panic, and if, like last night she screams in pain because her leg is stuck in one position, I panic. We only went for her check ups 2 weeks ago, so I know its OK at the moment, but I can't ever see me not worrying whenever she says she doesn't feel well.
I am using this blog now as therapy, so excuse my ramblings - maybe I need counselling, maybe just a good holiday, but most of all what I need is my daughter to be told that she is completely cured, and we have absolutely nothing to worry about.But that just isn't going to happen. Hopefully, and I really mean hopefully, time will pass, check-ups will come and go, and life will get back to normal(or as normal as we will ever get). But to me, the further we get from end of treatment, the more the risk - and I just hate it!! I have no reason to feel like this - everything seems fine - Sarah is well, her leg is getting stronger, she is getting stronger,and life is good. I think, as a good friend said to me recently, it is just hitting me what we have been through - they said 'You have all coped so well - one day this will all hit you like a ton of bricks' - well I think it's hit!!
That's enough from me - now to Sarah!
Last Wednesday she did her first swimming gala since her diagnosis - and she was FAB!
She was self-consious, because she started in the water when everyone else dived in, but she swam well, and came 4th - missing 3rd place by 6 inches - I think if she could have managed a dive, she would have clinched it!She was cross she didn't get a medal, but her teacher made sure she got a trophy as he thought she did so well!Not awarded in front of everyone at the end, but that didn't matter. In the relay they came 3rd out of 3, but for me, just the fact that she was there and wanting to be part of it was fantastic - and very brave.Her friends were lovely too - they didn't blame her for swimming slowly - they told her she did really well, which was lovely.
Thursday, we set off for a lovely school day trip to Boulogne. I got to go as a parent helper, as I had to supervise Sarah, and it was a long, but enjoyable day. The weather was great, and Sarah managed to walk miles (on her crutches, but still!!) - from the top of the old town, right through and down to the sea, along the seafront, to the beach! It took about an hour in all, but I kept saying it was good training for the Race for Life!!
She bought a postcard and stamp (in French)and sent it to Daddy and 2 pain au chocolat in the boulangerie......good job I could remember a limited amount of French!! We returned at 10pm, and she was wacked out! Still, she got a lie in Friday as she had physio, so didn't have to get up 7am for school!
Saturday night, we went to the hockey club race night, and we won 2 spa vouchers for 'owning' a winning horse, and Sarah came 2nd in the 'money won' competition, and won a £40 voucher for an indian restaurant in Twickenham!! Good night all round!
Mothers Day was lovely too - we went for a walk to the park with her friend Eleanor(on 1 crutch all the way)and she walked her friends dog, and played on the swings for the first time in a year. It was so nice to see her swinging up and down, and looking like a normal child again. We then went out for a lovely meal at a fish restaurant before taking Katie back to school.
Normal life - oh how fabulous it all is, and how I soooo don't take any of it for granted!
(promise not to get all morbid in future - only positive thoughts from now on........)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
Now, Auntie Zoe, if I read any more of these and cry any more I'm going to have to start charging you for tissues!!
We all can only imagine what you are going through, but as you say she's fine and has been told she's fine. You will always worry, that's your job as a Mum as my Mum always says to me, and you will always worry about both Katie & Sarah no matter how old they are. Look at me, I'm getting really old and Mum still worries about me on a daily basis!
You're living life to the full every day and Sarah couldn't ask for better parents. Positive thinking...
Anyway, well done on your wins! Exactly what the doctor ordered - a lovely relaxing day for you & Uncle Dave, and then a great big fat curry in the evening when you get back, ha ha!!
Enjoy...you all deserve it so much.
Love you all loads, and see you on Easter Sunday xX
Zoe you're doing MAGNIFICENTLY and very very few people really know how hard every single day is to keep smiling and looking forward and beat the panic BUT I DO!! And I know how brave and brilliant you all are - one day at a time is all I can say because it's all I can say to myself. Counselling and holidays all good ideas keep telling ourselves that too - just found out Rose uninsurable for first year so put a dampener on any plans we might have made! Plans? Got to be kidding - nothing beyond next two gut wrenchingly terrifying days of scans anyway! Living on adrenaline is over and that's why we're reacting to it all now - the shock is just setting in. Be kind to yourself and tell yourself 100 times a day you are DOING ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANTLY! The other thing I tell myself is that the fear and the worry won't change a bloody thing so I might as well live each day to the full - all our love to all of you fabulous Ardreys xxxxxx
Me again! Any interest in going to BCRT conference 27th June? Check out their website if you interested - they doing special hotel deal for delegates and I've booked to stay it looks lovely and there's a pool too! Apart from all of that they are a great set up - they came to Felix's school to do an assembly on Monday, I took Rose and cried all the way through! Very professional! It's been like extended family to us and you never know you might get a lot out of it? Ignore me if totally not your thing! LOL xx
Post a Comment